


This Big Fucking Hole

by joufancyhuh



Series: The Heavens Will Fall [8]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Month of Fanfiction, Post ME3, Strong Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-12-15 15:37:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11808975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joufancyhuh/pseuds/joufancyhuh
Summary: Shepard sets out to prove she's still fit to be in the Alliance.





	This Big Fucking Hole

**Author's Note:**

> Month of Fanfiction  
> Day 13: Hurt/Comfort
> 
> Title taken from [Wish by NIN.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kuoFiIFkdAA)

Blake let her toes dangled from the edge of the roof as she leered at the grass below, at least a four and a half meter drop till she hit ground. She curled and flexed her toes with anticipation as her storm blue eyes assessed her travel path.

The garage stood a meter apart from the house, the fall enough to give pause but not enough to break her. She could make it there, she knew. The question that remained burrowed into her brain: would her new legs hold up? If they did, it proved she was fit for duty and could still see combat.

This was her last shot. What did she have without combat? Who was she when she didn’t hold a gun in her hands? Her interest in finding out stayed nonexistent. It was this or the big fucking hole of nothingness, waiting for her to fall into it.

Blake swallowed. This might sting a bit.

Blake walked back to the other end of the roof, doing a few stretches to limber up before the jump. She warmed her hands over her knees, fingers falling into the same indents that marked the seams of where the mechanical parts of her began.

_Commander Shepard doesn’t fail._

She closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath, holding it in for a few seconds before it cleared her lungs. As her eyes opened, determination shone through them.

She bolted forward, feet slapping against the shingles as she flew to the other side and leapt into the air.

For those few seconds of falling, everything felt right again.

The plan was to tuck and do a barrel roll as she hit ground, the way she used to stick landings. As her legs hit solid mass, before she could curl in, two simultaneous snaps reverberated through her legs as they buckled underneath the weight of her body. Intense pain shot through her as her ass hit the ground right before her head.

She gritted her teeth and clenched her fists, fighting back tears and struggling to get the pain under control. She felt worse before; she could manage this little bit. Still, it stung, and the feeling of knowing defeat along with it.

“ _FUCK_ ,” she screamed, slamming her fists into the roof underneath her. She struggled up into a sitting position, teeth sinking into her bottom lip as a way of pain management. The damage was apparent, judging from the way her legs twisted behind her in an almost 180 degree angle. Her legs made her look like a discarded rag doll.

The pain originated from her knee caps. She wiggled the prosthetic underneath it, searing hot agony outward through the rest of her body. She couldn’t feel her new legs, signaling the snap as the nerve-hookup to them along with the suturing.

She groaned, wincing as she picked up her broken leg and tried to shift herself forward. She needed to get off the roof before-

_Too late._

The car pulled into their driveway, her fiance glancing up to her on the roof as he stepped out of it. “Blake? What’re you doing up there?”

She willed herself to keep her voice steady as she replied through her teeth, “I think I broke my legs.”

“Wha...what?” Confusion flickered across his features, quickly replaced by concern.

“Can you float me? I don’t have a way down.”

The familiar hum of Kaidan’s biotics enveloped her as she lifted into the air. She winced at the jostling, the pain renewing itself as he lifted her down onto the patch of grass between the garage and house. The landing, gentle enough, scorched her nerves anew.

Kaidan rushed over as soon as he set her down, already kneeling in front of her with a hand on her cheek. “We need to get you to a hospital.”

Her hand found his arm, squeezing hard. “No.”

“No?” Kaidan’s face twisted with confusion. “Blake, I don’t think you realize how bad you look right now.”

She shook her head, fighting back the waves of nausea it caused. “Just...medigel. I need medigel.”

“Your legs are _broken_.”

She bit the inside of her cheek, the scowl on her lips involuntary. “They’re not mine.”

She watched realization ripple across Kaidan’s face. The hand on her back fell away as Kaidan shoved his hands into his hair. “You...did you do this? To yourself?”

“Medigel. I need…” The world spun around her, forcing her to close her eyes.

From the darkness of her closed eyes, she listened to him get up and run into the house. A few minutes after, the sound of his footsteps returned toward her. A metal tube slid into the palm of her hand, Kaidan’s closing around hers.

“I figured you would want to do it yourself.”

Into her other hand, he slid something else, glass and cool with liquid sloshing inside of it.

“Figured you’d also want this.”

She opened her eyes and the bottle, taking a few swigs of Jack Daniels and letting it burn down her throat. By the time she felt well enough to apply the medigel, Kaidan sat at her right, studying her from behind a guarded expression.

The medigel tingled on her skin as she spread it around her knees, everything past that numb. Her ass hurt, but she wasn’t going to ‘gel that up there on the lawn.

“We really should go to the hospital.”

She ignored him, massaging the gel into her kneecaps, which were already purpling along her prosthetics.  The pain lessened, but didn’t dissipate. She ignored his comment, instead choosing to distract him with a task. “Can you grab the wheelchair from the attic?”

Kaidan didn’t budge. “Tell me what happened.”

Blake kept her eyes locked onto her knees. “No.”

“I really think I need to know.” He scooted in closer, more to the front of her. She grimaced as he rolled her foot to a more natural look than bending backwards, the numbness not complete in its takeover.

“I said no, Kaidan.”

He kept his eyes down on her legs as he rolled the other foot to match. “ _How_ , then. I at least deserve that much.”

Blake regarded him with suspicion. “Why?”

He glanced up, an emotion she couldn't place apparent in them. “Because how a thing goes down matters, Blake. Just as true now as when I said it last time.”

_I fucking jumped, okay?_

It occurred to her for the first time how her stunt might look to an outside eye. The worry knitted into Kaidan’s brow and the tension in his shoulders as he awaited her reply began to make sense as more than just concern for her physical wellbeing.

She took a gulp of her whiskey, hands resting around the bottle as she stared down into it. “You’re going to get mad.”

He leaned forward, prying one of her hands away from the Jack to hold between his own. He pressed his lips against it, leaving them there as he continued to peer at her. “I won’t.”

She glanced down at her broken prosthetics, gripping the bottle tighter. “I just...I wanted to prove to everyone that I could still fight. I thought if I could stick the landing, they would-”

Kaidan released her hand, staring at her with a dumbfounded look on his face. “Blake, are you _fucking_ kidding me? You did this to prove a _point_?”

“You fucking said you wouldn’t get mad!”

“That was when I thought you were trying to _kill_ yourself!” Kaidan jumped to his feet, running a hand through his hair in disbelief. “The doctor said-”

“Doctors can fucking be wrong about this shit!”

“Just _look_ at yourself! Does that look like they were wrong to you?”

She glared, locking her jaw and flaring her nostrils as she clenched her fists. “Fuck you! I needed to know!”

“What if you missed? What if you didn’t make it to the garage?”

She hurled the tube of medigel at him, it bouncing off his chest. “I didn’t fucking miss, though!”

As quickly as it appeared, the fight filtered out of Kaidan, his hands falling to his sides.

“You really can’t understand why I might have a problem with you pulling this shit?”

“I get it, okay? I could’ve fucking died. I didn’t though, and I can get new legs in about a week or month or when-the-fuck-ever and go back to this mundane life shit. But Kaidan, I _needed_ to know. I needed to know with absolute fucking positivity that I couldn’t go back.”

“‘Mundane life shit.’ Nice, Blake. Real nice.” He sighed. “I’ll go get your wheelchair. Just…” He didn’t finish his sentence, choosing instead to walk back toward the house.

_Great, now he’s hurt._

She kept her eyes on the front door, waiting for him to return so she could explain herself. The Alliance was her life; Kaidan should know she meant job-wise and not their life together.

Though even as she thought it, a small part of her shuddered. She’d fall into the obscurity of _Admiral Alenko’s wife, Shepard who_ in his life plan for them. Just some kept wife, popping out babies and staying home to tend them because what else would she be good for? Just another decoration for the walls in their home on Earth.

Not that she could ever tell him; look how much even that little bit hurt him.

She drained half her bottle and laid back in the grass, staring up into the gap that failed her. Being smacked with an honorable discharge was one the worst things to ever happen to her. Who was she if not Commander Shepard? The Alliance was her _life_ , her whole identity, and she had to rewrite all of that because of a damn pair of legs.

_Maybe it would’ve been better if I died in the Citadel crash._

Kaidan came out, dragging her old nemesis along with him. She glowered at the chair, the three months she used it a distinct annoyance of a memory. Kaidan biotically lifted her into it, but not before she grabbed her whiskey off the ground.

With her settled into the chair, Kaidan knelt in front of her, hands on the arm rests as he slanted toward her. “I know you’re upset right now, but this will get better.” He kissed the tip of her nose as he held her hands in his. “I know adjusting is hard, and that you hate change, but give it a chance. You might surprise yourself by actually liking it.”

She glared but bit her tongue. His patronizing tone annoyed her, but she knew he was only trying to help.

“I called your doctor and told them you were reshingling the roof and fell. They said the soonest they can get you in for the replacement surgery is two weeks.”

She wrinkled her nose. “Reshingling? That’s the best you could come up with?”

“If I tell them the truth, they’ll stick you in a psych ward.” He kept his face emotionless as he faced each foot the correct way on the footplates.

The silence stretched between them, thick and sour in her mouth, as he wheeled her back to the house.  She toyed with the bottle for a moment, then took a swig to steel her nerves.

“...I didn’t mean you, you know...” she grumbled.  

“What?”

“The whole ‘mundane life’ comment.  I...I didn’t mean _you_ exactly, ok?  I meant…”  She sighed heavily, rubbing her hand across the back of her neck awkwardly.  “I meant _this_.  Life here.”

“...you might need to explain a little more,” came the quiet response.  She buried her face in her hand, refusing to wince as the chair bumped over a stick on the sidewalk.

_Goddamnit_

“This whole fucking situation is fucking shit, okay?  This house, this _place_ ...I can’t deploy. As far as the Alliance is concerned, I’m dead fucking weight. A fucking relic.” she continued bitterly while Kaidan eased the chair into the house.  He kissed the back of her head and started to make their way to the bedroom. “I know we didn’t always get along, but the Alliance was my _home_.”

“Maybe they can stick you in PR. You have _such_ a gift with words,” he suggested, a hint of a smile in his voice.  

She whipped around, immediately regretting it with the booze leaving her a little fuzzy. “Don’t you fucking _dare_ make a fucking _joke_ about this.  I’m being serious with you.”

“Sorry,” he said, gently scooping her up out of the chair and laying her carefully on their bed.

“No...I’m…” she sighed as Kaidan untied her ponytail and ran his fingers through her hair.  “I’m the one who should be sorry.  You don’t deserve to have this taken out on you.”

“What’s this?  An apology from _you_?” He pursed his lips.  “Wait, wait.  Don’t tell me; let me live in the illusion.”

“Shut up, asshole,” she mumbled, grabbing a pillow and tossing it at him.

“There’s the Blake I know and love.”

“Fuck you, too.”

“Huh-uh.  Not until you’re healed. Again.”

“Didn’t stop you last time...” she smirked, eyelids getting heavy from the 'gel and alcohol mixture.

Kaidan crawled over top of her to crash into the mattress on the other side. He rolled onto his side, elbow propping up his head as he leaned into his palm. “It will this time.” He pressed a chaste kiss onto her mouth. “Go to sleep, Temp.”

She closed her eyes as a hand stroked through her hair. "You're still making dinner, Bug," she murmured as she drifted away from consciousness. 

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks for [potionsmaster](http://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/works) for dragging me through this fic.


End file.
